Real Life {When It's Easier to Believe the Lies}

Jacob, why do you complain? 

Israel, why do you say, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord,

and my rights are ignored by my God”?

Don’t you know? 

Haven’t you heard?

The eternal God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

doesn’t grow tired or become weary. 

His understanding is beyond reach. 

He gives strength to those who grow tired 

and increases the strength of those who are weak. 

Even young people grow tired and become weary, 

and young men will stumble and fall. 

Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the Lord 

will be renewed. 

They will soar on wings like eagles. 

They will run and won’t become weary.

They will walk and won’t grow tired.

 

Isaiah 40:27 - 31

 

I want to cling to these promises this morning but I'm barely hanging on. Today is a day where in all honesty I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel, curl up in bed and not even try. It's true. The self pity and the doubt are closing in and I just want to give in. I want to believe all the lies that Satan is feeding me because they're much easier to believe than the Truth that is found in these scriptures.

 

Why is this a good thing? Why is being home going on 5 days good? Why is this part of His plan? The answers to these questions elude me. But the promises above I know to be true to the depth of my soul. He is good. His plan is good. He loves me with an everlasting love. A love that I can never hope to fathom. I am not alone. He is always with me. I have never and will never walk through this life alone.

Sometimes I just have to say the words, even if my heart is lagging behind in belief at the time. It's frustrating to find myself here. Here in this struggle of living out what I say I believe. It's so discouraging when I'm faced with life and I come up short on faith. When I find myself here, I think of how disappointed the Lord must be with me. Wondering why, after all this time is His child still struggling.

But the more I read scripture the more I see people just like me. Falling and failing, then coming back to the Lord and starting the process all over again. Abraham, David, Saul/Paul. These great men of the Bible, who I always picture as having perfect faith and such strong spiritual journey's, they made mistakes. They failed, they lied, they murdered, they committed adultery, they sinned, just like every other person on the planet. But they had faith, great faith in the midst of the muck and grime of the sins in this life.

I want this. This great faith. This faith that gives it all to the Lord and says, "I don't have it all together, I don't know why life is the way it is, but I trust You to handle it. And when I don't, and I try and live life on my own, I'll come back with a broken heart all for You." Because it's true, all of it.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart. You know my struggles, my hurts, my joys and my fears. Thank You for taking me just as I am, broken and battered, yet strong in the light of Your abundant grace. This body is weak, and yet You made it in Your image. I truly do not understand, but I cling to the promise that You're not through with me yet. Strengthen this physical body in Your own way and Your own time. Please grant me patience as I struggle in the waiting. Build my faith Father. You told the disciples to ask for more faith, so here I am, may You increase my faith. Thank You that You always leave a remnant of hope. You are good and I will cling to You and Your promises with all of my heart no matter what may come.

If You Want Me To

by Ginny Owens

 

I am Restless 'til I Rest in You, Oh God

Perfect Peace ~ Laura Story

Stay close by My side,
Keep your eyes on Me,
Though this life is hard,
I will give you perfect peace,

In this time of trial,
Pain that no one sees,
Trust me when I say,
I will give you perfect peace,

And you'll never walk alone,
And you'll never be in need,
Though I may not calm the storms around you,
You can hide in Me,

Burdens that you bear,
Offer no relief,
Let Me bear your load,
Cause I will give you perfect peace,

Stay close by My side,
And you'll never walk alone,
Keep your eyes on Me,
And you will never be in need,
Though this life is hard,
Know that I will always give you perfect peace,
I will give you perfect peace...

Life. It has its ups and downs. Its times of making sense and confusion. Its time of peace and turmoil. Life is a journey. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for a Savior who knows every step of my journey, those that have passed and are yet to come.

What a wonderful comfort to know that nothing ever takes our Lord by surprise. He is All-Knowing and His plan is always perfect. This brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. What a wonderful God!

Today is a day of music and song. Of reflection on Who Christ is no matter where life takes us. 

Restless ~ Audrey Assad

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless

'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You. 

My heart has been overwhelmed with life recently. I feel like I have been existing more than I have been living. I have been focusing on the outward life more than the inward life. Appearances more than heart. 

My heart is in need of Life. Of Living Water that fulfills and overflows. I am grateful for the opportunity to take time and pour out my starving heart to my Father. I am grateful for open arms that have been waiting while I've been floundering in living life in my own strength.

What love. What grace. What peace. What joy. What rest. What hope. What perfection is found in Christ. Everything that I can ever need or desire is fulfilled in Christ.

There is Nothing ~ Laura Story

Lord I come before You
To honor and adore You
For who You are and all that You have done
Lord I am not worthy
My heart is dark and dirty
Still somehow You bid for me to come
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
May our time be sweeter
May I be a keeper
Of the promises I make to You in song
Lord may I remember these moments of surrender
And live my life this way from this day on
So clothe me in humility
Remind me, that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord
So clothe me in humility
Remind me...that I come before a King
And there is nothing
There is nothing
More precious, more worthy
May I gaze deeper
May I stand longer
May I press onward to know You Lord

May I press onward to know You Lord

Jesus thank You for bestowing Your grace upon me today. Thank for the opportunity to be filled with You; for time of rest and time of productivity. Thank You that You know me. Thank You for taking me as I am. Thank You for Your lovingkindness. Thank You that You love me too much to let me stay the way I am. Thank You for working in my heart and my life to mold me and make me into the woman that You desire me to be. I love You so much. You astound me. I am in awe of all that You are. May I not get distracted in life and loose sight of the wonder and awe of You. May I remember You in all things. You are Life. You are Jehovah. You are Savior. You are God. Thank You for blessing me today with such sweet time. Amen.

Letting Go

I have been living life in my own strength. I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. Trying to look all put together on the outside while the inside is slowly sinking with no hope on the horizon.  

Why do I insist on carrying my own burdens?

Why won't I let go?

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come to Me, all you who labor, are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease, relieve, and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief, ease, refreshment, recreation, and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne."

I hold so tightly to appearances and to the way I think that life should be. I so easily forget that the Lord has a plan. That His plan is perfect in His eyes (Romans 12:2). That I have no need to worry or fret, and that I am commanded to not worry (Matthew 6:25-34). Oh boy!

I am so earthly minded and I hate it. I long to be heavenly minded. To think of His kingdom above this earth. To think about my forever life in heaven rather than my limited life here on earth.

Why won't I let go of this world?

I want to hold on to Christ like my life depended on it (which it does) and hold onto this world like I could take it or leave it...but too often it's the other way around. And oh how ashamed I am to admit it!

But I will choose to cling to the grace that He freely offers rather than to wallow in my own self-pity. I will cling to Him no matter my failings. I will turn back to Christ no matter how many times I turn away to my own selfish ways. 

I will bask in the wonder of His lovingkindness; His merciful forgiveness; His gracious sacrifice. He is everything that I can never be and yet He longs to daily make me more like Him. What a wonderful God.

Abba. You are amazing and wonderful God. You truly take my breath away. I do not understand Your love for me and yet I thank You with all of my heart for bestowing it upon me. Thank You for calling me Your own. Thank You for wanting to mold me and make me into the woman You want me to be. I give You my heart and my life to do with what You will. I am Yours, use me. May I daily remember that each day is a gift and that You long to live it with me. Don't let me forget Your throughout the day. May I remember You always. Amen...let it be.

Depth...

...is beautiful, colorful, binding, rich, peaceful.

...is found in friendship, marriage, relationship.

...makes you stronger, wiser.

...increases your longing for someone. God, husband, friend, parent, sibling, child.

Father God, may I grow in the depth of my relationship with You. May I seek You above all else. May my desire for You continually grow deeper and deeper and may I never have enough of You. You are my everything. May I live in light of that Truth. Amen.

Real Life {The Struggle of Time}

What do you do when you don't feel that there is enough time? When the laundry is all separated in your room waiting to go from the floor to the washer. When the dirty dishes scattered around the house are waiting for soupy water and a sponge. When you have that ring around the tub that is begging to be sparkly clean again.

These days time feels stretched. I can either get two things done half way or one thing done well. Or struggle over which option to attempt and never actually get anything done at all.

Time is so precious. I want a clean house; but I want to have a relationship with my husband. I want to build relationships with friends; but I need to deepen my relationship with the Lord. I want to invest in so many amazing opportunities; but I need to have time to breathe and not over commit.

Time. You baffle me. We are always dancing. Leading and following one another and hoping we don't step on each others toes.

Tonight I did two things well. What a blessing. I had wonderful time with my Savior, and there is one load of laundry in the dryer and one load in the washer. It makes my heart sing :)

And yet it is hard to not focus on the loads that are still waiting. The dishes and tub that need cleaning. The floors that need sweeping and mopping. I have a choice to be grateful or to be resentful; to rejoice despite the mess, or to despair in spite of the mess.

I want to choose to be grateful and to rejoice for what has been done. I want to choose joy. I want to choose grace. I can bestow grace on others, why can't I bestow grace upon myself? Why is it ok if others do not get to their housework but if mine goes undone it is the end of the world?

Grace. May I never forget, to truly bestow grace on others I must first bestow it to myself. For I cannot love another as myself until I truly love myself. I must see myself through Christ's eyes. I am beloved. I am daughter. I am precious. I am princess. I am His.

When I choose to not forgive my shortcomings and bestow grace on my circumstances, I refuse the love that the Lord freely gives to me. I say no to Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I belittle His death and put myself above His grace.

Father, please forgive me for thinking too highly of myself. For thinking that I could ever be above Your grace. Thank you so much for Your sacrifice. May I bask in the wonder of your grace. May I simply say "thank You". Grant me a spirit of humility. May I reflect Philippians 2 and the attitude of Christ that He showed while He was on earth. May I daily accept Your grace. I long for You to increase and for me to decrease. Be glorified in me. Amen - let it be.

Real Life {How To Be Real in A New Community}

It's the end of week two of working at my new job at Compassion Canada. It is also my first sick day...not exactly how I wanted to start.

Every time I enter into a new community I forget how hard it is to honestly share life, my unique life, with new people. 

Thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful people on a daily basis. It has blown my mind how caring and loving the staff of Compassion are. I don't think there is any other place I could have felt comfortable enough to ask for a sick day two weeks into my training. The Lord has blessed me more than I could have possibly imagined and I am so grateful! 

But no matter how wonderful and amazing the people are, I still struggle with the fear of their judgments and opinions. Wondering what they think of me. It is something that I have always struggled with. And it is something that I constantly have to give over to the Lord, knowing that He loves me and that He is where I need to find my worth and value, not in others opinions.

Nevertheless, I am never more aware of how invisible Lyme is to "the outside world" until I am thrown into a new environment. I worry how people take the fact that every day I fight the battle of Lyme disease, without it being an obvious battle that they will see. I struggle with honestly telling people how I feel each day because I don't want to bore them with the consistency of Lyme.

I forget how much I cherish being able to tell just one person, "It's not a good day", and knowing that they get it. I miss the camaraderie of struggling through life together and understanding each others quirks. I love knowing what makes a person tick, what touches their heart, what they struggle with, what they love, what bothers them. I love truly knowing people. Not just the surface stuff, but the nitty-gritty-real-life stuff.

In light of my struggle, I thought I would let someone else describe it for you. It is always a blessing when you find someone else who can describe your life. It brings home the fact that you are not alone in your struggle. Though this article is written by someone with Lupus, it describes many aspects and choices I am daily faced with: The Spoon Theory.

I hope you enjoyed the article. I hope that you can understand just a bit more how valuable life really is. I hope you realize that composing a blog post takes at least one spoon. That washing the dishes can take anywhere from 1 to 4 spoons depending on the day. That by the time I have "gotten ready" for work in the morning (rolled out of bed, taken a shower, done my hair, put on makeup, eaten breakfast, made lunch, etc.) that I could have spent half of my spoons for the day before I ever leave the house. It's quite a different way of living life isn't it?

Life is a blessing. Through Lyme and being faced with how to practically live life every day, I hope I take fewer things for granted. Having the energy to go out with friends is a gift. Having the energy to wash dishes after I get home from work is a gift. Having the energy to clean the house is a gift. Having the energy to stay up late is a gift.

Everything in life is a gift and I am grateful to be able to see through the lens of Lyme disease :)

I Don't Want to Forget...

 I have a job. That statement still feels surreal and I'm not sure if it's true. But it is. Through God's grace, I have a job.

And that is what I don't want to forget. Him. His grace. His provision. I don't want to forget about the Lord now that I have what I asked for. I don't want to leave Him out of this new journey. I don't want to live life without Him, at least until I "need" Him again.

I don't want to forget my need for Him. I need Him all the time. Though after the dust settles and life calms down, it is easy to forget about the daily need for Him. It's easy to forget the battle that was just won, and Who won it.

Why? Why is it so easy to forget? Number one, Satan hates us relying on God and will step in as soon as possible to make us think that we don't need Him. Number two, life is busy. And it is easy to let the business take us, not stopping to take time to spend with our Father. I'm sure there are more, but those are the two that I feel are pulling me away at the moment.

In one of my interviews with Compassion, I told them that wherever the Lord provided a job, I wanted my office space to be filled with quotes and scripture that would encourage and challenge me. Sometimes my perfectionist spirit gets in the way and makes me feel like I cannot try something because what if it's not right? What if I fail?

If I fail, God's grace is sufficient. 

I know that it can be hard for me to keep my eyes on Christ and to have a good attitude when I feel unprepared and ill-qualified. But that is when I need to turn to Him the most. To cling to the promise that He is in control, that nothing will take Him by surprise, and that I am His child. No matter what happens, I am His child.

So in light of these revelations, I have been looking up quotes and scriptures that I would like to surround myself in my new office space. Here are a few examples:

       

      

      

Father,

May You be glorified through my life. May I remember Your grace and mercy; Your provision; Your peace and wisdom. May I remember You, spend time with You, and seek You even when life appears "easy". For You are God and I am not, whether life is easy or hard at the moment, You are still God. Don't let me forget You. And if I do, remind me Father, in Your love and mercy remind me of Who You are and what You have done. May I set up memorial stones (Joshua 4), like the Israelites after they crossed the Jordan, to remember the battle that was won. Thank You...Amen.

Real Life {The Job Search Is...OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

Praise the Lord! I just received a call and I will officially be employed at Compassion Canada on September 10, 2012.

God is SO good!

I wasn't supposed to receive a call until tomorrow, which meant that I was going to have to come home from being gone all day to listen to a voice mail letting me know if I was employed or not. But the Lord was so gracious and He gave me the opportunity to chat with my new employer for about 20 minutes on the phone about my new position in the Contact Center.

There will be lots of training and hopefully lots of quick learning on my part. But I am so grateful to be employed after being in Canada for a year. What a wonderful anniversary present!

I have no words to express my gratitude right now or the joy that is just gushing from my heart. 

Father I thank You for this wonderful opportunity. May I glorify You through this new journey. 

I ask for quiet confidence in who I am in You, and that I will learn quickly. I give over to You 

any stress that I may encounter. I ask Your blessing upon the friendships that I will establish

 there, may they honor and glorify You. May my attitude be pleasing to You, 

may this heart that You are shaping be a light for You. Amen.

Real Life {And the Journey I'm In}

Does your Bible look like this? There are some passages where I don't have any more room to write:)

Over the last few months I have been reading the Word along side other women over at #SheReadsTruth. I have been challenged and I have learned so much with this group of women. It has been a great encouragement to me ever since I found it just a few short months ago.

So I thought I would give you some snapshots of what my time with #SheReadsTruth looks like.

There's lots of praying, seeking the Lord, meditating, and putting my own words down on paper as I struggle through different passages of scripture.

Today has been hard because I have been struggling under the stress of still not knowing if I have a job or not. I had a second interview last Monday and I was told that I would be called by this Friday, that's a long time for this heart to wait.

Today I was stressed. I felt incompetent to complete the tasks I needed too in order to get this company all the information they needed to complete a background check. I felt totally out of my comfort zone and stretched to the limit.

And yet, I am right where God wants me. He knows right where I am, and He is right here with me. He is my Mediator, and what a comfort that is! I have prayed over and over that whatever happens with this employment opportunity, that He would be glorified. That He would become more and that I would become less.

I believe that happened today.

So whatever happens, I pray with all my heart that He would be glorified. That He would be praised in my life and in my future employers whoever they may be. 

Today, as I sank deeper and deeper into the stress. I came here...

...to Bible Gateway where I looked up Proverbs 14 & 15 in several different versions as I read alongside other #SheReadsTruth ladies.

To my journal where I wrote down verses that spoke to me and convicted me.

I came to Jesus. The Author and Perfecter of my faith.

He is the only Place that I will ever find rest. He is the only One that will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Comforter, my Prince of Peace, my Saving Grace, my All in All, my Righteousness.

He is my Everything.

Father, today I pray that we see You in our daily lives today. That we would seek You and give You all the praise and honor You are due. That we would magnify Your name rather than our own. May You be praised today and every day. Amen.

Real Life {Nerves...and then comes...The Hoping & Waiting}

Today I went in for a second interview at a wonderful company (I'm not going to tell you where, that will stay a surprise and I'll let you know where if I get the job). It was absolutely wonderful and totally unnerving!

I was so nervous leading up to this interview. My first one I wasn't nervous at all and this one, wow, it was crazy, my legs were actually shaking as I was putting on my makeup this morning. I don't know what had me so riled up, but whatever it was, I was not going to have it.

I didn't want to be nervous. I wanted to be excited, hopeful, but not nervous. When I'm nervous my personality disappears and I become a bumbling idiot...not exactly a promising attribute! I didn't want to be nervous because being nervous puts the focus and pressure on me rather than focusing on Christ and His promises.

When I was going in for my first interview, my dad sent me a text and told me that he was holding onto the promise that the Lord loves to give his children good gifts. That was an amazing text to receive and I have begun to cling to that promise as well.

That doesn't mean that if I don't get this job that God doesn't give good gifts, it just means there is another opportunity out there that He is just waiting to give me. It really encourages me and keeps my focus on trusting and believing in Christ and His provision rather than in myself and my personal abilities.

So today I am clinging to hope. I am clinging to a God who loves me more than I could possibly imagine. I am crying out in thanksgiving for the opportunity to shine His light. I am choosing to not worry and to not be anxious. I am choosing the Lord who is my life. I am choosing love, which is both an action and a Person. I am choosing to trust and believe that His ways are higher than my ways, that He has everything in the palm of His hand, and that He is in control.

I am choosing to let God be God. To give over my worrisome 

burdens and rest in His mercy and grace.

I will find out next Friday (August 24) if I have a job or not. So right now I am stuck with quite a bit of waiting. But I will continue to cling to my Savior who will never leave me nor forsake me. Who walks with me through this journey we call life. May He be glorified in the waiting.

What Do I Have to Give?

Lately, Satan has been feeding the lie that I have nothing to give. Not that I am the best thing ever or anything, but through Christ, each one of us has a story and therefore has something to give and share with the rest of us.

Each of us share differently. Some in obvious ways, some not. 

But we can never forget that we each have a story and our story is not for us alone but it is to shared.

I have forgotten over the last few weeks. I have forgotten that I have a story. That my story is God's story. And that He has given me a place designed specifically to share His story, and that place is right here. 

Sometimes I feel like nothing is going on, that life is in a way boring at that particular moment so what could I possibly have to share? But it's not about me, and what I have to share. It's about Christ and what He has to share.

Writing here is about putting away my selfishness and opening up to the Spirit's leading. It's about sharing the ups and downs, the boring and the exciting, the struggle in finding a job, the excitement for an important interview, the time spent on vacation with my parents, the marriage that I am constantly growing and learning in. 

This is my safe place. Which is strange to me because many who read these words I have not even met before, but I have a peace here. I have an open spirit here that is often closed to the "outside world". After all the quote, "I write better than I talk" describes me perfectly.

And in light of that fact, God gave this blog. A place to grow in grace and love. To be open and honest in the midst of my struggles and failures. To share His story that is my life. 

Because, it is all about Him. Everything. Every moment, every joy, every hurt, every mistake, every selfless act, every selfish act.

EVERY CHOICE IS ALL ABOUT HIM.

As I choose to begin sharing once more, I pray that I will remember in the so-called "boring times" of life to share His story in the midst of it. I pray that I won't give into the lie that I have nothing to share because it's not about me it is about Christ, and He always has something to share.

Last night as these truths began to resonate in my heart, the Lord opened my eyes to all that I had been learning and neglecting to share over the past few weeks. 

• We are going through an amazing study of the life of Gideon in church on Sunday's and it has been incredible! Every week it doesn't seem like I can write quick enough to capture it all.
• We have just started a young adults program at church and we are going through The Truth Project. I have never been through this study before and am really enjoying the spirituality and academics that are interwoven throughout each week.
• I am still searching for a job, but I have a very exciting interview Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 10am. I would covet your prayers as I continue to seek Christ in the midst of the search and I long to be where He wants me to be, no matter where that might be.

I'm sure there is more that has happened that needs to be shared, but these are the things that are heavy on my heart at the moment. Praying that the Lord will be glorified today, through these words and through our lives as we seek Him. Have a blessed day and may His grace and peace be with you.

#SheReadsTruth

I don't know if you have a smart phone. But over the past 10 months or so I have made the transition from the free-with-a-contract phones (aka "boring" to some) to the world of touch screens and "smart" phones. There are things I like from both, I seriously hate typing on touch screens, they drive me crazy! I always seem to hit the wrong letters, and don't even get me started on the auto-correct business (I've turned it off on my phone). I miss the big number/letter keys on my old phone that I could text a-mile-a-minute on...but I really do love the apps on the smart phones. There is a Bible app called YouVersion and on that app a community has formed through a devotional called Living the Surrendered Life and the community has spread to instagram and twitter with the trend #SheReadsTruth.

This is a place where women are coming together to read scripture and share what they are learning through it. What an incredible online community a few women have created through the Lord's leading and I am so excited to begin investing in this community!

I don't know where you are in your faith walk. I don't know if you're reading your Bible regularly, if you're struggling with daily setting aside time for the Lord or if you get lost in the Word every time you open it because you just can't get enough. We all have our ups and downs, we have times when we're struggling and when we are overflowing with love and desire for our King.

Wherever you are today I hope you find hope and encouragement. I pray the Lord touches your heart and blesses you in a special way. I hope that you make the time to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

Real Life {Job Searching}

I am officially job searching...and it's hard! I've never really done a lot of job searching because being a nanny, I always got jobs through word of mouth and they were not hard to find in Charlotte, with so many connections and opportunities.

But here in Ingersoll, it's a different story. Number one, I'm actually looking for what many people deem a "real job", one with an office, and not wearing sweats and old t-shirts that can get spit up and pooped on. I might even wear a skirt! Number two, if I find a job outside of walking distance from our house we will most likely have to buy a second car. Number three, I have no idea what I'm doing...great!

I have had about 5 interviews over the last month, and clearly none of them have ended with a job offer. I have to say it's discouraging. It's hard to get all dressed up, put your best foot forward, give of yourself and have the giving come back empty. 

But through it all, I am seeking His will and not my own. I really, truly want to be where the Lord wants me to be. I have no idea where that is or how long it will take to find it, but I know that He has a job all lined up for me, I just have to be willing to seek, wait, and trust.

Bummer. That takes away all striving on my own that I normally try and do, planning out every possible way things could work out and taking things into my own hands and doing things my way. I have to give it up. I have to give up my ways and let His ways rule. I must let Him be God, and let Him guide me, in His way and His timing, where He wants me.

Now of course that doesn't mean I can just sit around and do nothing, but it does mean that my heart must first and foremost seek Him above everything else. Above a second paycheck, above my own ideas of what would be good for me, above my time frame and my desires. It all has to be Him.

There have been many things that I have learned through the last month or so as I've struggled through this process. I have been convicted that His ways are not my ways. That just because I feel like I need a job now, or really yesterday, He may not feel that way, He may need me to wait weeks or months. Am I willing to wait? Am I willing to trust Him? Am I willing to struggle and learn the lessons He has for me through the searching?

I also know that I long to be a light for Christ no matter where He has me. I know that it is so easy to forget about being a light once I have a job from previous experience. I get distracted with my discomforts, with what other people are or are not doing, with what I deserve compared with what I am getting. I lose sight of Christ and put myself at the forefront of every issue, it all becomes about me, what I want, what I need, what I don't have, what I have to deal with, how everything is unfair, blah blah blah.

What a shame. How many opportunities have I missed to be His light while being blinded by my own selfish and prideful desires? More than I would like to count I think. But I truly want this to be His job that I take, I want to be right where He wants me, even if I am scared or uncomfortable. Of course that's easy to say now, when nothing like that is knocking at my door, but I pray with all my heart that He will give me the strength to live out the calling He is placing upon my life at this moment. Whatever He wants me to do and wherever He wants me to, I so want to be 100% willing and ready for Him to use me.

I want to be His girl. I want to let Him lead. I want to give Him control and stop trying to take it away. I want to see the blessings in the midst of the mess. I want to be transformed by Him as He refines this heart that is hardened with pride and selfishness, the need for control and for everything to be planned out just so with no room for faith.

Father God, may this broken vessel shine Your light through the cracks in this heart. May others see You in the midst of failings. Open my heart to Your leading and Your direction and allow me to learn what You have to teach me through this time of seeming limbo. You are great God, You are all I need, and please don't ever let me forget it. I love You Jesus with all my heart, may Your will be done in me.

To Love Another

   Love never gives up {is patient}.
   Love cares more for others than for self {is kind}.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have {is not jealous or envious of others}.
   Love doesn't strut {is not proud or boastful},
   Doesn't have a swelled head {is not arrogant},
   Doesn't force itself on others {is not rude},
   Isn't always "me first" {does not think of itself or demand its own way},
   Doesn't fly off the handle {is not irritable or easily angered},
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others {keeps no record of wrongs},
   Doesn't revel when others grovel {does not delight in evil},
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth {but rejoices in truth},
   Puts up with anything {never gives up and never stops being patient},
   Trusts God always {always trusts, never loses faith and never stops believing},
   Always looks for the best {is always hopeful},
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end {never gives up and endures through every circumstance}. 

Love never dies {never fails}.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a 

Love is a high calling. Love is hard. Love requires constant thought and intentionality toward another. Love is selfless and pure...which I am not, and yet God calls me {selflessly and in purity of heart} to love, what's up with that? 

Love is like a mirror. How you love shows you your heart, and often times my heart is not pretty or pure or selfless. Often I "love" so that I can get something out of it. I "love" the way I want to be loved not how the other person needs to be loved. I am selfish in my loving, so is that really love at all?

Love hurts because when we put someone else's needs before our own sometimes our own needs can go unmet because true love is not focused on ourselves but on another.

Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. As you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.

Henri Nouwen 

But through the hurt and brokenness of love, we will bear fruit. Not that love isn't beautiful and wonderful and very fulfilling at times, but love is not what we see in the movies or in books. Love is not picture perfect and it is not easy. Love takes work, and rather than focusing on what we are not receiving from the one we are trying to love and what they need to do in order to love us better, we must look into our own hearts and see what the Lord is trying to teach us about ourselves and how we can better love the other.

Love is a calling to selflessness, which is often not "fun" and can plant seeds of bitterness if we are not careful. How do we love when we do not feel loved in that moment? We have to stop focusing on ourselves, what we "need", what we want, what we "deserve".

Check out this video called Sex Marriage & Fairytales. 

I am to be fulfilled in my relationship with Christ. My husband will never be able to fill the "Christ hole" in my heart just like I will never be able to fill the "Christ hole" in his heart. We are both sinful and fallen people, desperately trying to love one another in the midst of our sinfulness...talk about a recipe for confusion and misunderstanding. How are two fallen people to love each other perfectly? Well, we never will. We try, but we will always fail in one way or another. So we must learn to struggle together through our sinful and selfish desires, to share our desire to love one another in the way that they need but also to share how we each would feel loved by the other. 

I have heard it said that marriage is not a 50%/50% relationship where the husband gives 50% and in return the wife gives 50%, but rather it is a 100%/100% relationship. We each are called to give and love and cherish the other 100% of the time, no matter how much we feel loved by the other at the time. If love is selfless it means that it cannot be dictated by how we feel, but it is a conscious choice to love in spite of our circumstances, whether good or bad. 

Marriage has been such a beautiful gift. I believe I have grown more in these last 16 months than I ever have, because I have seen the depths of my heart through the eyes of another and I have seen the depths of my heart in how I choose to treat my husband. Marriage is deep. There is a depth in a relationship between husband and wife that I never new existed until I experienced it. It is beautifully unique and delicate, and at the same time it is full of Godly strength. Marriage is a gift unlike any other. It is not something you receive and can only take from, you must give all of yourself to it, freely and without limitations. 

But for right now...we have three things to do...Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 

Choose Joy

...what does it mean to choose joy?
...how can I daily choose joy?
...how can I be joyful in the midst of the pain and sorrow of this life?
...is being joyful and being happy the same thing?
...am I designed for joy? 

I am currently reading Kay Warren's book Choose Joy and it is one of the best books I have read recently. Over the last few months this idea of choosing joy has really resonated with me, it touches heart strings that I didn't even know I had.

I want to choose joy but I don't want to be fake and always "be happy" even when things are not going so well. I struggle with how to have joy and how to be open and vulnerable at the same time. What does it look like to be honest in my struggles while still choosing joy? I don't know, but I'm beginning to learn.

Choosing joy isn't about being happy all the time. Joy does not equal fake, it equals faith. Kay Warren defines it this way:

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things.

This definition immediately made me think of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which were the verses the Lord laid on my heart during my years at Capernwray Harbour Bible School, "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Joy can be found in the midst of whatever circumstances we find ourselves if we are willing to let go and let God. If we can come to realize that no matter where we are in life, that God is there and that He is in control and that He hasn't forgotten us. If we can trust God to be our Provider, our Healer, our Hope, our Rock, our Refuge, our Savior, our LIFE, to be everything that He promises He is, than we can choose joy in any circumstance.

Joy is not always easy, but it is always a choice. 

There Will Never Be Another You

There will never be another you. God does not create us with different sets of cookie cutters thinking, "Oh I liked this one last time so lets give it another go!" Rather, "[God] made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13. There will never be another you.

I have been thinking about this a lot and how this should affect how I live my life. Instead of trying to be a cookie cutter, I want to strive to be the 'me' that God had in mind when He purposefully and intricately created me. There is a reason that I am 5'8" and not 5'5", pale skinned and not olive skinned; that I tend to be cold and not hot, and there is a reason that I have Lyme disease and am not a healthy energetic woman. There is purpose behind everything that the Lord does, and I truly want to believe this so deeply that it changes how I live.

Recently I've been reading a lot of marriage blogs, articles and books looking for the guidelines and step-by-step process for 'the perfect marriage'. Not perfect as in flawless, but perfect as in, 'How many dates should we go on per week/month?' 'How long do we wait until we have kids?' 'What is the right amount of money that we should have in the bank account?' etc. etc. etc. I think what my heart is really asking is, 'What is the right formula?!?'

Guess what, there is no formula. I am unique, there has never been and never will be another me; my husband is unique, there has never been and never will be another him. So how in the world can I expect there to be a formula for us? Another couple may have figured out what works for them, but that same process will not work for us because we are uniquely us. It's really beautiful if I stop and think about it rather than focusing on the fact I have nothing to check off on my to-do list.

My 'formula' is found in Ephesians 5:21-33 where it is said, 'So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.'

Just because so-and-so got married and had kids right away doesn't mean that we should do the same. And if our friends bought a house right after their wedding, it doesn't mean that we've failed at marriage because we've been married over a year and still don't own a home. We are not here to copy other people, rather we are here to be uniquely us and figure out what that means in the Lord's timing. 

I am learning this same lesson when it comes to being a woman. When I see someone with a cute hair cut, outfit, kid, car, pair of shoes, house, great book collection, a fantastic singing voice, toned body, or great writing skills, I crave it. I want it. I covet it. Bad, bad, bad. Seriously?!? Have I forgotten those words spoken from Mt. Sinai, 'You shall not covet'? That is a commandment, am I into ignoring commandments now? Is that the kind of woman I want to be, no!
 
But it's just so hard isn't it, when you see something that is just out of your reach, and in comes Satan weaving his lies into your head and your heart, watering the seed of want. 

I want to be a woman who wants God above all else. To seek Him in the midst of my coveting heart crying out, 'Lord, cleanse me, wash me of these selfish desires that keep me far from them, rescue me!'

Rather than trying to find a checklist for a great marriage, a great exercise plan, or the right amount of chores to do each day, I want to seek Him with all my heart and let Him fill me. I want to stop searching for other people and things to fill the Jesus whole in my heart. Whether that be my husband, my friends, our bank account, when to have kids, when to buy a house, when to get a second car...I want to want Jesus above it all.

So God here I am, crying out 'Abba Father!' and asking you to renew my mind and focus my heart attitude on you. Thank you so much for your patience with me as I seek you and then once again, give in to my selfish desires and turn away from you. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness that you freely offer to your children. 

Today, I choose you, whatever comes Jesus, I choose you.

Perspective

5-Minute Friday with The Gypsy Mama

Perspective. That word brings so many thoughts popping into my mind I don't even know where to start. But here it goes...

Go.

The beauty of the dancer up on stage, gracefully moving and gliding through her routine. Though she will critique her pointed toes and her pirouettes, most in the audience will see beauty and grace and look no farther.

The brightness of the sunshine with clear blue skies is a wonderful thing, until you have visited the eye doctor and your pupils are dilated. The sunshine turns from a place of smiles and laughter into something you want to be as far away from as possible.

The cross. Death, sin, dirt and grime are all found here. Beauty, grace, love and forgiveness are all found here. The beauty is found in the breakdown of the two sides coming together as one. In the midst of my sins, my dirt, and the death I deserve I find Jesus offering forgiveness, offering to cover my dirt with His purity, my imperfections with His perfections. He is a great God. A God who sees it all and still chooses to wipe my life white as snow.  What a wonderful God.

Stop.

I Just Want to Be With You

When you think of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, what comes to your mind? Does a smile stretch across your face and do you give a little sigh of peace and contentment? Do you cringe a little and try to think of something else because you're either very discontent or you feel hurt and betrayed with where you are in life at this moment?

In our Monday evening small group we are going through the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan and it has been incredible. The book focuses on how the Holy Spirit is our forgotten God and that we don't really pay much attention to Him or give Him much credit. The world tends to see the Spirit as mystical rather than real and tangible. But when you sit down and look through the gospels, and Acts, and really the whole New Testament, the Spirit is everywhere! He is active and alive and very real.

This last chapter was called A Real Relationship. It talks about how we see God and how that affects our relationship with Him.

I've a attached a video, and at minute 7 (follow along til minute 12) it really hit home for me and it sums up the struggle and desire of my heart in a beautiful picture of how his daughter sees him, check out Francis speaking here.

When Francis says that his daughter doesn't think about the fact that her daddy is in the middle of speaking to thousands of people up on a stage, all she thinks about is that he is her daddy and she just wants to be with him. She does what seems natural and normal to her, she gets up out of her seat in the audience, walks up onto the stage where her dad picks her up and whispers, "What do you want Mercy?" and she answers, "I just want to be with you." What a beautiful picture of what our relationship with Christ should be.

I have always struggled with knowing that God is my Daddy while at the same time knowing that He is holy and pure and how can He be both at once? How can I cry out, "Daddy!" to my only and all-powerful God? Isn't that disrespectful? Isn't that me ignoring the fact that He is this magnificent being who is perfect in every way? No.

I want to cry out to Him, not out of disrespect but out of love and desire to just be near Him and with Him! I want to have such a deep and intimate relationship that while I know that God is holy, He is pure and perfect, He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings, and at the same time He is also my Daddy who longs for me to cry out to Him and just want to spend time with Him.

There is a time for me to come to my Father and confess my sins, ask for His forgiveness, and repent from my fleshly desires. There is a time for me to shed tears at His feet while I struggle through the trials of this life. There is a time to stand in awe of who He is, to let my words be few and to let the wonder of Jesus fill my heart. There is a time for me to call out, "Daddy!" run into His arms and rest in His presence and love.

There is a time for everything ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

I want to rest in Him. I want to yearn for Him. I want to pursue Him. I want to wait on Him. I want to trust Him. I want to love Him. I want to laugh with Him. I want to cry with Him. I want to struggle with Him. I want to follow Him wherever He may lead me. I want to live life in a way that expresses my desire that "I just wan to be with You".

This is a beautiful picture and it is one that I hope I will not easily forget. I will never forget the holiness of my God, but I never want to miss out on the intimacy that He calls me too just because all I can think about is His holiness. 

I have heard it said that if we could figure God out He really wouldn't be God. He is so many aspects in one. He is holy and yet He loves sinners. He is Lord and Master and yet He longs to take my burdens upon Himself. I am coming to realize that I am not meant to understand God but to trust Him. I will never fully comprehend all the He is, yet I can choose to acknowledge that He is God and I am not. That He is in control and that His plan is perfect. 

My desire is to not try and figure Him out but rather to love Him. I don't want to waste my time researching, worrying and stressing over the things that I do not understand. I would rather learn to enjoy Him. To open my heart to Him and let Him reveal what He desires and not try and force understanding. 

I truly desire my faith to be a child like faith. Which requires me to let go of my "need" to know everything and instead be content in things unseen.

Identity

5 Minute Friday from The Gypsy Mama. 

This is about writing for five minutes without checking for grammatical errors or spelling errors, just writing for five minutes flat...so here it goes.

Identity

I'm not a mom, but I've been a nanny for as long as I can remember, and all the kids I have looked after, loved and given my heart too, feel like my own. I have always, always, always wanted to be a mom.

Recently, as I have gotten all the immigration paperwork figured out and can now begin to apply for a job, a "real job" as some might call it. You know, those office jobs where you dress in something other than sweats and dark colored t-shirts that won't show spit up and pee stains. I've been wanting to be a mom. A mom to my own children and not someone elses.

I've discovered that children are my comfort zone, and though it might be hard, I feel like I have a purpose when I am holding a child in my arms, putting a band-aid over a scraped knee, or reading a bedtime story (the same book for like the 50th time!).

But I am not to find my identity in being a mom, but rather in Christ. I am a Christ follower. Whether I am a mom or not, I can love the children that God has placed in my life that are not my own. I can choose joy in this journey that He has given me. I can trust Him and trust in His timing. I can love my husband and not wish away our time that we will never get back once we have kids. I can the woman that God created me to be for today, not trying to be someone He hasn't created me to be yet.

I will rest in His beautiful timing. I will love this time with the man He has given me. I will love sleep, staying up late because we want too not because we have too, and being spontaneous without having to worry about nap-time. I will be me, right here and right now, me.

Stop.

Checklists

Are you a list person? Someone who likes to make lists, lots of lists, to be able to check everything off and therefore feel like you are being productive? I am.

I make lists for chores that need to be done around the house. I make lists for groceries and errands that need running. I make lists of what we need to do before we can buy a house, have a baby, etc. etc. etc. I seem to thrive on making lists (just ask my husband!).

And then this morning before heading off to church, I read this from the little book, Jesus Calling:

Do not search for security in the world you inhabit. You tend to make mental checklists of things you need to do in order to gain control of your life. If only you could check everything off your list, you could relax and be at peace. But the more you work to accomplish that goal, the more things crop up on your list. The harder you try, the more frustrated you become.

There is a better way to find security in this life. Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on my Presence with you. This continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace. Moreover, I will help  you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what does not. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances), but on what is unseen (My Presence).

Isaiah 26:3 & 2 Corinthians 4:18

Wow, these statements shot straight to my heart. How am I going to live without lists? Am I willing to trust God and to let Him make the lists? Honestly, I don't know.

I say that I trust God. I say that no matter what happens I know that His plan is perfect, and I truly believe that. But when it comes down to the choice of putting aside the lists that organize and secure my life, am I willing to give those up?

Yes I am. Lord my heart is willing but my flesh is weak, help me with my unbelief (Mark 9:24). I know that it's not going to be easy. I know that I will fall back into my "making lists for everything" addiction. But putting aside my lists is a real and active way for me to say "I trust You". To give up the control that I so desperately want but will never have and let my Leader lead. 

I like to lead and I like to be in control. Not only in my relationship with God but also in my relationship with my husband. I want to let him lead, to be the man and husband the Lord has created him to be, but it's scary, because what if it's not the way I want? What if I think I could do better? Than I still must let go and let him lead. I will be with him every step of the way, but I will let him be my leader and my husband.

In my relationship with my husband I am ever so slowly learning that my ways are not always right or best and that for me to be in control goes outside of the Lord's design for our marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33). 

God's ways are perfect and they are right, all the time, no exceptions (Romans 12:2). Those are hard words and encouraging words. In the midst of the muck and grime of life it can be hard to understand why this is perfect and right, but He didn't call us to understand, He called us to trust. To trust, in spite of our circumstances, that His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9).

I will choose to trust. To give up that unattainable control, let go of my lists, and let God be God.

The beginning of my 1000 gifts...

#97 ~ the spring breeze blowing through our opened windows

#98 ~ lazy afternoon spent with my husband

#99 ~ the taking off of the old self and putting on the new (2 Corinthians 5:17)

#100 ~ homemade cookies waiting to be put in the oven

#101 ~ choices...the opportunity to daily choose who I am and who I am going to be

{Real} Life is Messy

No, no its not! It can't be! It must be clean, organized, and perfectly perfect. Yeah right!

"This house is clean"...she says to herself as she hides dirty clothes behind closed doors, or maybe we should say closed door as we live in a rather small apartment (the upstairs of a duplex) that has literally been transformed from a three bedroom upstairs to contain a bedroom, living room, bathroom and kitchen in each of the original three bedrooms.

"This house is clean"...as she scrambles around like mad, stuffing papers and dirty dishes anywhere she can find, as friends are arriving in 10 minutes and the house is definitely not clean.

Not much room for hiding, but she manages it. Why? To impress rather than be real. Not that she wants to invite guests in to the muck at the bottom of the tub from the husbands showers after a hard day on the farm or the pile of dishes that never seems do diminish. But why can't she be real? Why can't she just say "This is me, with the house full of dirty dishes and dirty sheets. This is me, with the dust bunny parties and the entryway covered in worn shoes. This is me in all my imperfections."

Why can't she let her guard down and be vulnerable in her imperfections? Because it's scary!!!!! Who wants to open up and say "I fail! I screw up! My house is dirty and my to do list is a mile long!!!"

Well, you see, she does...and she doesn't. There is war going on inside her heart. She wants to be a real person. But to share reality she must share failures and fears. Why can't she be real without sharing the hard stuff? Why can't she just be real in the nice, pretty, put togetherness of life.

Because life is messy, her life is messy! In order to be real she must own up to the messy and imperfect-ness of life, her life. And honestly, that is exactly what she does not want to do.

Why can't she paint a pretty picture for others to believe? Why can't she appear to have it all together, to know how to live her life, how to keep a house clean, how to stay on top of her to do lists, how to be perfect?

Because perfection IS NOT REAL!!! But she wants it to be real, isn't that good enough, can't she make it be real? No.

If she is going to share her life with others than she must own up to the imperfections in her life. She must be willing to be open and vulnerable and not having it all together, because that is real.

So here she is, being real, with you. Owning up to the fact that she does not have it all together. She has no idea how the pile of dishes seems to never get smaller, or why the dust bunnies seem to get bigger every time she puts away that Swiffer vac.

But in the midst of the imperfections, in the midst of being real. She will NOT give up and have a pity party. She will say "Jesus, thank you for this messy life that you have given me." She will smile, she will work, she will not worry, she will be quiet, she will spend time in the Word, and she will choose joy.

Why Perfection? Why Not Choose Joy?

Why do I feel that in order to do anything, wash the dishes, vacuum the floors, clean the tub, cook dinner, bake a cake, write words, speak into a life, that it all must be perfect?

What's so great about perfection? Why do we strive for it so? Why do we need the perfect dress, the perfect house, the perfect bank account, the perfect life?

Why can't we cling to love and embrace this imperfect life rather than wishing it away for something that is unattainable, aka perfection?

God created me for this life, not some other life that I have dreamed up in my head, that "perfect life" that I find myself day dreaming and pinning about. This life, right here and now, is what I am here for.

I am here to see Jesus and experience Him in daily life. I am here to have Lyme disease. I am here to love, to show mercy and forgiveness through the grace of God. I am here to be thankful for every thing that I have been given, for it is from above. I am here to share my life with you.

I am here to love this husband of mine, to enjoy every minute that we have together because we will never get to re-live this moment again. Not to spend time wishing away our "just us" days for days full of babies, not waiting until we have our own house, two cars, or a bigger bank account. No more waiting for "our life to start", it has started! It is right now and I don't want to miss a single minute of it! 

This life is about choosing faith in the midst of uncertainty, saying "thank you" even when we've had a bad day, and it's about choosing joy.

I want to choose joy. I want to know that in the midst of feeling hurt, I can choose joy, in the midst of feeling useless and burdensome, I can choose joy. It doesn't matter where I am, what I am going through, who has hurt me, who I have hurt, how much I've screwed up, or how I can't even seem to get out of bed without assistance. I will choose joy.

It is a hard choice, it takes effort and thought, it takes persistence and God given strength. But it is worth it. Joy is worth it all. Joy grants perspective. Joy produces a thankful heart (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Joy touches lives.

Joy is beautiful.

Will you choose joy with me? In the midst of imperfection, will you give Jesus your imperfect life, your imperfect faith and choose joy? 

I will struggle and I will fail in my striving for joy, but I truly believe that the more that I long for it, work for it, move towards it, that it will become more a part of my life. More a part of who I am. Oh to be a person that emanates joy. That I might let Christ rule in a way that produces a joy filled life.

Jesus thank you for...

...granting us the choice of joy.

...Your desire to rule and reign in my life.

...Your care of every moment and aspect of this life.

...Your words written.

...grace poured out.

...Your perfect plan in the midst of this imperfect life.

Who Am I?

Sometimes I find myself wavering in the knowledge of who I am. I look to my own wayward heart to figure it out, I look to those around me to validate who I think I am, I read articles and watch other people my age and in my stage of life and try and live like them, try and find my security, my worth in living the life I feel I am supposed to live.

Who do I think I am?!?

If I look to other people and try and live like them, I will not be the unique person I was created to be. If I try and find my security and worth through the thoughts, words, and lives of others, I will always be disappointed, hurt and confused. So then where do I go? Where can I find my place? Who I am? Who I am meant to be? How to live this life?

Why does it take me SO long to turn to God?

Why do I exhaust every other outlet? Every other person, blog, song, book, etc. before I give up on trying to figure it out myself, stop trying to figure out this thing called life on my own and just sit at His feet crying out "Father!". Here I am sitting at the feet of my Savior, the One who gave Himself up for me, who died for me and three days later rose again, who loves me even when I try to live on my own, without Him. He is so great, He is so wonderful, He is so gracious, so loving, so beautiful, so patient.

He is God and I am not.

How do I seem to always forget that? How can I look at the vastness of this world, everything that is in it and think that I am God, that clearly I have been here before time and clearly I created everything that I see. That makes much more sense than the fact that I am just a breath, here one day and gone the next doesn't it? Why can I not remember that I am one little piece, one (hopefully) bold and vibrant strand woven into the tapestry of this creation that not I but He, Creator, Maker of Heaven and Earth, God has created. I am not Creator, I am not Maker, I am not God, and yet I want to believe that I am. Of course only when I think I know what's best (which I don't, I might add) and I know what I want to do, but when things are hard and I don't understand, who do I turn too? God. So why is it that I can remember that He is God, All-Powerful God when it's hard but when I can see a path that I want to take and it seems "easy" why do I assume that I am God? Because I have this disillusioned idea that I have control, that when things seem "easy" or "simple" (which they never are!), I think I know what to do, or at least I know what I would like to do, and so me, who thinks she's in control, goes for it! Sometimes things are ok for a while, sometimes I pat myself on the back and say "Attagirl, good job taking charge and making decisions on your own!" But then the longer I go, the more I begin to see things not going the way I had planned, not going the way I had envisioned them going, "how dare they!" I think, wondering how in the world everything had not fallen into place the exact way I had seen it go in my mind! And then it hits me, sometimes immediately and sometimes I fight it for a very long time, but eventually I let myself see, I open my eyes and look around me, and you know what I see? That He is God and I am not. Sometimes it's a relief when I finally acknowledge it, it takes the pressure off and I can finally breathe again. But many times I go into a downward spiral for a while, and I beat myself up for being so stupid, because I know that I know that I am not God, I know that I know that I am not in control, so why do I do this?!? Why do I give things over to God, act like this "great Godly person" and then tank in the trusting/He's in control/His ways are higher than my ways department? It's so frustrating!!! And if it's frustrating for me, it's got to be frustrating for Him right? He's got to look down at me and think, "Seriously, again?!? What is up with this girl!!!" But He doesn't. He doesn't rag on me after the umpteenth time of me "taking over" occurs, He doesn't sit me down and make me watch it in replays as I, once again, choose that my way is better than His, not the other way around. He forgives me, He loves me, He showers me in lovingkindness, He is gracious to me. As I sit at His feet, asking for His forgiveness and repenting from my wayward ways, He acknowledges my sins, forgives them and separates them as far as the east is from the west (aka they are no more). How amazing is He? Now don't think that I get off easy or anything. Just because He loves me and forgives me doesn't mean that He takes away the consequences of the actions that I choose apart from Him. Those are still mine, I still have to live with the decisions that I made, but I am not alone, He is with me as I struggle through the consequences of my sins. What a great God, He allows me to learn my lesson while going through all the muck that I created for myself with me and not making me do it on my own. He is a God like no other. Are there things that I want in this life that I don't have right now? Yes. Do I want to go outside of His will in order to get them? Yes and no. Yes, because I am a sinner and my selfish spirit likes to rear its ugly head...daily, hourly, etc. No, because in my heart I don't want anything outside of Him. I don't want anything that is outside of God's timing, His perfect plan and design that He has for my life. So I hope I will choose "no". I hope I will daily acknowledge that He is God and I am not. That I will find joy, peace, contentment and hope where I am. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing husband. We have our separate families who have become our own. We have a great home and a wonderful church family. We are truly blessed.

Jesus thank you for...

...Your gracious and loving care displayed in ways seen and unseen.

...our home that You have so graciously provided.

...the community that You have placed us in.

...our marriage that You are daily blessing.

...Your forgiveness and grace so freely pored out.

...Your patience and love in the midst of my failures.

...the beauty that is found in the breakdown of blessings.